I’ve got moments that my self-esteem takes a nose dive down. The darn thing is like a chain reaction and suddenly I feel like I am unworthy of pretty much anything. Last night at the Swing Dance party I was keep losing the beats, sweating like crazy dancing with new follows ( ladies ), not having the guts to ask some of them to dance, or feeling horrible if my request was turned down. Which is silly, since in the swing community people are often so laid back that a request for dance rarely gets shut down.

I have been working on a set of copy writings for my new corporate website, and due to the lack of incubation time, I am having such a hard time putting words down. Time flies and I hate to write under the self appointed deadline I set few weeks ago.

I haven’t had the chance the chance to visit my family. I have talked to my mother few times. She called me just to see how I am doing, although I feel she is reaching out to talk to me about something. I miss her, I miss my dad, and my brother, and our cat Aristocrat who no longer recognizes me when I drop by.

I’ve realized that the self-esteem dive happens when I stretch myself thin over too many plans and projects. When I don’t spend enough quiet times re-charge my batteries and lose myself in thoughts. When I don’t pay enough attention to friends, and family members who love me, and proud of me.

I have a 9-5 job, I think I make one of the highest salaries for somebody in my field. I work most days of the week at home, and drive to Langley BC few days a week to attend meetings. Meetings are usually over things way too simple for someone in my field, but I get myself to be understanding and patience. I am a problem solver, a consultant, and love what I do.

But those long driving hours to Langley take sometime 4 hours a day specially on bad weather days. By the time I get home I am so exhausted that I fall sleep on the sofa with my clothes on, and by the way dinner is often served over the kitchen sink.

And one more thing, in the future ( I won’t be telling you when ) I will never ever want to work for a large corporation. Large corporations specially the sales and marketing oriented ones are the most unfriendly environment for software engineers, programmers, and analysts to work. All that stress, interruptions, and control, control, control, hierarchies of power, and more control. Protecting the status quo is a day-to-day operation in a large company. And interesting enough, being that big they don’t often deliver the best services and products! They just manage to take over the market using their large army of sales staff, and mind altering strategies developed by the Marketing department. It’s called Market Penetration, and in some nasty corporations i think it is consumer penetration. In a large company only the lack of adaptability to the rapid market trend changes can diminish their dominance.

NOTE: by this I am not criticizing my current full-time client they are very nice people actually, I am talking about the whole concept in general.

Here I am

Anyhow, back to the self-esteem nose dive topic, I have noticed what works for me is to start working on small things that I am good at, and feel so proud with the results. Again it becomes a chain reaction but in a positive way.

Right now I am sitting in a cool coffee shop in commercial drive, people are dressed up in cool funky ways, I like the variety of looks and faces in this neighborhood. By the way, the coffee is really good. I am charging my batteries … both my laptop and myself. And looking at what this post has become, I think the writer in me, no matter how green and in-experienced, is finally coming out :)

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